Monday, 10 August 2009

Back on the track

Sort of. Back in The Hague in any case. What a strange day! I cannot remember experiencing such a wide range of emotions in one day ever before. I was leaving with a feeling I was pushed towards a guillotine. Have you ever had this feeling when you don’t want to go where you’re going, but understand that running away doesn’t make sense? Pressure in my heart, this strange heavy feeling in my stomach, crying at the airport – the whole package. I’ve gathered a whole bunch of questions I need to answer. Otherwise I can’t fulfil my needs and get rid of this heaviness in my heart and in my stomach. At least so I thought.

But something happened during the flight from Kiev to Dortmund. I don’t know what. I sat on a bench on this Holzwiekede station in the middle of nowhere. Somehow I couldn’t make any phone calls, but had an internet connection. I was chatting with Jeroen, complaining about how bad I feel when all of a sudden I realised: I don’t feel bad anymore! I felt tired, sleepy (damn pill), hungry (middle of nowhere + Sunday = no food), but not sad! And I felt so free! I’m not sure how to interpret that, but it was such a good feeling. And you know what the most peculiar thing is? The questions are still there. Still the same…

P.S. I like myself the way I am. I don’t want to change my looks because someone (even if there are many of them) likes it that way.

Timeline: 7April 1986 – my little sister Lena was born.

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