So it's over. No the Jewish-Muslim mix was not a problem. Neither was the money. Once again I comfort myself with a thought that I learned a lot and this pain is definitely not for nothing. And it's true. I've learned a lot in this relationship. I was confronted with a side of myself that I didn't want to see before.
It's not that I thought I was free of prejudices. Prejudices are not necessarily evil. They allow us to sort out the information that we receive in a fast and efficient way. But what I discovered in myself were prejudices that I would certainly condemn in others. They appeared from the dark corners of my being and for some time took over my feelings preventing me from opening up. I was judging him by his occupation, his language skills and his manners. And I was wrong all the way. I had to deliver a fierce fight to get through to myself.
And just when I was cheering on my victory over the prejudices something much more dark and disgusting showed its head. Hypocrisy. It was nasty, dark and sticky. It felt so natural, at first I didn't even know it was there. I was trying to hide it under some plausible explanations and excuses. I didn't want to be too close to him where more people I know could see us. I was explaining that by the fact that I didn't want this to be a lasting relationship, so why inform the world it's there? I didn't want to introduce him to my friends because I wanted to keep my independence. When I finally saw it I was shocked. I was disgusted. He simply wasn't good enough for me! I was afraid what other people would think about me! And that's while he gave me so much support and confirmation, when he opened up to me, when he cared. And while I was gladly taking all that from him. I couldn't believe I could be so unfair to someone. I couldn't have deceived him more.
I did my best not to show this ugly monster inside myself and I was fighting all the time we where together. This morning I woke up into a new 'single' morning and realised that I feel grief but also feel relieved that I don't have to fight myself. It made me feel sick!
He is right putting an end to this. But not because it's better for me. It's better for him! He let me see what a loathsome creature I am. Why do I love him for that?
Zaman - Batalti Eli