Saturday, 12 June 2010


 So that's it. Yesterday I've spent two hours putting together a newsletter announcing the final sale at Photobeads. Now I am handling the orders. In a week or so someone will come over to take over the rest of the stock. Then I will shut the website down, close the bank and Paypal accounts and then notify the authorities that the company has ceased to exist.  I should have done all this almost a year ago. Instead I was just planning to do so and postponing the actual doing. All the stuff in my room was bugging me and now I actually feel relieved seeing empty spaces on the shelves. This feels like an achievement. I don't regret closing Photobeads. Not a tiny beat. And still I have this heavy feeling in my chest for the past 24 hours (ok, with a dancing and sleeping break). Partly it resembles the pain I feel when I lose something or someone very important. And then there is a part of anxiety mixed in. What a dreadful cocktail! I think it has to do with the fact that several things are coming to an end (my work, my relationship, Photobeads) and none is starting. There's nothing to look forward to and that scares the shit out of me. Tonight I am going to forget everything, I'll soothe my soul with this powerful drug I'm addicted to. I am going to dance till I drop and don't feel anything. But what am I to do tomorrow?..

I always listen to Russian songs when I'm feeling blue. Back to my roots: Bulat Okudzhava - Prayer


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