Friday, 19 March 2010


My body is still impressed by the sweet burning inside, lazily enjoying the soft glow. This is one of those rare moments when my mind is resting, just following my body and reliving the moments of the past half-an-hour one by one. No hurry. No problems. No thinking. The energy we released moments ago is still hanging above the bed. It’s not too cold or too warm – just perfect. His warm hand caresses the skin on my back. I feel and listen.

That’s when I hear him sigh. He breathes in, holds his breath and breathes out again. He usually does this when he wants to talk about our relationship. He tries to get comfortable within the space I’ve given him. It’s tough because I haven’t given him any space. I set the rules in this game and he has no choice, but play along.

“I want to tell you something that might upset you.” He gives me a tender kiss on my right shoulder. I turn over to him and look into his eyes. He looks very serious, almost scared. Another sigh. “Tell me.” “I lived in Ukraine for two years” – he says. This is new. He had several weeks to tell me that, but he never did. Well, this explains his ability to read Russian. I am not shocked. I am not angry. I don’t feel betrayed. In fact, to my surprise, I don’t feel any kind of emotion at all. I just don’t know what to make of it. “Why haven’t you told me before?” “I don’t know! Honestly…” Silence.

“There’s something else.” He sighs again. I wait. “I am not 33. I’m 35.” Now I am surprised! “?!?!?!” “I was looking at you on the dance floor and I thought you were about 27 years old. No older than 29 anyway. I thought you wouldn’t want to go out with me because I might be too old for you. So I lied. I was very embarrassed when you told you were older.” I couldn’t help but laugh.

He gets up and walks away to have a smoke. I still lay in bed thoughtless, emotionless. “What do you think?’- he’s back. “I don’t know.” “Do you think I’m an asshole?” “I think you’re a dork.” “Yes, I certainly am a dork!”

I still don’t know what to think about it.


  1. "I don't know" can probably have several meanings:

    - "I do know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you"
    - "I do know, but I think there'll be a better moment to tell you"

    and of course

    "I sometimes do things without really thinking them over"


  2. This looked and sounded like "I sometimes do things without really thinking them over". Otherwise there will be something to write over. ;-)


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